Friday, October 12, 2012

Two Roads Diverged

Photo Courtesy of swimparallel
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

In other words, I have started down a different path now. Different from the one that took me across the country eight years ago, different from the one that shaped me from a wide-eyed college kid into the woman I am today.

I have experienced so much in the past eight years that it's hard to know where to begin. I graduated from the University of Central Florida and moved to California, and I met a boy and kissed him while snow drifted through the air and settled like lace on our shoulders and in our hair.

I rescued sea lions and served martinis in Monterey, swam with dolphins and released sea turtles in Florida, and I packed up everything I owned when I decided to marry that California boy. We loaded our truck and headed north to Alaska, and we spent nearly four years hiking, drinking micro-brewed beers, and exploring the Great White North. I raised mountain goats and baby bears at the zoo, I watched stars and trained one particular camel who still owns a big piece of my heart.

We made friends and said goodbye to them, and we headed south again when my heart started pulling me back to Florida. That California boy would have stayed in Alaska forever, but we settled on Colorado, and we decided it was a good compromise.

But it wasn't. My heart strings still tugged me home, and the birth of my new nephew made the pain unbearable.

What do you do when you realize you'll lose yourself if you don't follow your heart? What do you do when the California boy--who is now a man--realizes he'll lose himself if he comes with you?

Do you sacrifice your path? Does he? Do both of you give up on the intrinsic essence that makes you who you are?

Or do you start down your paths alone? Do you leave your relationship in the hands of fate, in the belief that your love will survive if it is meant to survive?

And if it isn't, are you strong enough to handle that? Are you strong enough to say goodbye, to know that you will always love and care about this man, even if your destinies are no longer entwined?

The answer: I sure hope I am.


Eliza Tilton said...

Oh, girl. I hope whatever path you chose makes you happy. Life always has a way of working itself out.

I will say this--based on my own experience--true love will conquer anything. No matter how dark it may seem.


Mary Vettel said...

Oh, sweetie, so sorry to hear this. *hugs* I admire your determination to be strong and listen to your inner pull. It's wonderful to be near family you love. Be strong and well. And yes, love can get you through tough times.

Charlie Holmberg said...

Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry that you're facing this right now. I know I've never met you in person, but if you ever need to talk, let me know. Gmail and Twitter aside, I have a cell phone.

I don't know what choice you'll make if you've already made it, but know that whatever you do your loved ones will support, as will your silly Internet fans (AKA me).

I won't try to offer advice or the like--I don't know if you need or want it, but I have faith you'll make the right choice for you and California boy, whatever it may be and wherever it may take you. said...

I know this is devastating for you, LIsa. Know that so many people love and support you, including me! Sending ginormous hugs....

Pam Asberry said...

I don't know what to say. Except I wish you wisdom and peace...

Jaye Robin Brown said...

I want to hug you so hard right now.

You're going to be great. No matter life's twisty path.

Yolanda Renee said...

Only you know the answer you seek.

Sending blessings and peace your way, to help you along the way!

Shallee said...

Oh, Lisa, I wish I could hug you through the internet. I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I hope you find that inner peace and happiness you need.

Escape Artist Linda said...

Wow, you are very brave putting that out there. I think it's wonderful. The question of home and belonging has very much been on my mind for a long time now. I married someone from another country and eventually we left mine. And when you move from place to place, you give up that sense of home and belonging. You really don't feel like you have a real home at all. I've planted so many damn trees and have never seen them grown. It's weird, and it's something I've stolen from my children. They will never have that feeling of return, of what it is to go back to place so familiar you breath it in before you even open the car door.
I've been where you are. I don't envy it.
Drop me a line anytime, agent sister. I'll always be ready to listen.

Carol Garvin said...

I'm so sorry to read this, Lisa. Your anguish is obvious, and when either choice is so painful I know you really want to be sure which is the right one. Isn't some better kind of compromise possible -- a long vacation with your family every year or something? Contentment isn't found in a destination; it's a state of mind. And I so wish it for you! I'll pray for your wisdom and peace as you find your way through this difficult time.

LisaAnn said...

All of your comments have literally made me cry. Thank you so much for being there. I can't tell you how much it means to me to put something so gut-wrenching and personal out there and to get back such amazing support and kindness. Thank you so much.

Rachel said...

Oh, Lisa, I'm so sorry! For something so heart wrenching, this is so beautifully written. I know sorry is a cliche thing to say, but yet it's the best word to sum everything up. I know I don't really know you, but from what I've seen you're an amazing person, and I wish you the best of luck.

Just remember that whatever path you choose, each one leads somewhere.

LTM said...

Oh, Lisa. What a beautiful, sad post. I guess you do have to follow your heart, even if it's leading you away from the one you love. I suppose if you're even having these feelings strongly enough to take them seriously, well, they're serious.

Here's wishing you all the strength you need. :o) <3 ((hugs))

alexia said...

I am the last person to offer relationship advice. Speaking of life in general though, time reveals all things. Sappy, but true in my experience. If you aren't sure, the passing of time will eventually reveal to you which path to take. Good luck!

Angelina C. Hansen said...

I read this post last Friday while I was at work and couldn't respond. My heart has ached for you ever since. I haven't seen you online and I know that you've probably got way more going on than even your post revealed. No advice, just ((((HUGS))))).

Julie Luek said...

Wisdom for your decisions and peace for the results.

squirrel_e_girl said...

Thinking of you...
...a lot.

E.B. Black said...

Wow. You put so much heart into your posts. I wish you the best of luck, whatever you choose and the most happiness possible.

Anita Grace Howard said...

Lisa, I've said it already, but I want to say it again: your courage and honesty amaze me. You're in my thoughts and prayers. May this new path you've chosen bring you happiness, contentment, and success. Big hugs!

Dinda Amanda said...

Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)

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